This project started as a joke. I was helping an oyster farmer with their social media and marketing, when the idea of “Oyster Trading Cards” popped into my head. When I was a kid, I collected baseball cards. I thought it would be fun to do something like this for the simple oyster.
Read MoreKeep Hope Alive, Keep Going, Try to Laugh /
I was talking with a theater director about another theater having some financial issues. Major financial issues, if you must pry. This news was not received with any joy, nor should it be. “That means it is systemic.” Waning, or vanishing, support is not surprising. We’re in a period of real cultural shift, and this is what that looks like. Some things come back newer and stronger, others fade into the past. How people interact with these cultural pillars is changing.
Read MoreFantôme Kino B&W 35 mm ISO 8 Testing and Review /
In my youth, I said if there was a super slow 35mm film, I’d love to use it. After decades of wandering the wilderness of analog processes, I finally discovered Fantôme Kino 8 Black and White film. This film comes from Lomography. Here’s what they say:
Read MoreBook Review: "Stories I Tell Myself: Growing Up With Hunter S. Thompson" /
Juan F. Thompson's memoir, “Stories I Tell Myself: Growing Up With Hunter S. Thompson,” is an honest, clear-eyed, and compassionate telling of a quiet son and his relationship with the complicated, tormented genius of his father Hunter.
I listened to the audio book, read by Juan Thompson, and recommend it to anyone familiar with the work of Hunter, or interested in a story about what reconciliation can look like. It is tough, painful, and loving.
When I went off to college, away from the all seeing eyes of my parents, I experimented rather liberally with all the drugs and booze I was afraid to do at home. I felt free to become the person who wasn’t afraid. When a fellow freshman on “the quiet floor” gave me copy of Hunter S. Thompson’s “Fear and Loathing In Las Vegas”, I knew who I wanted to become. The legend, or public persona of Hunter was both brilliant and uncontaminated: an explosive journalist/writer of American culture and politics. He was also drug fiend and alcoholic. He made the use and abuse of just about any illicit substance look great.
I read all his books as fast as I could. Like many other young, impressionable college students, I found my deity. I tried to look, talk, drink, smoke and write like him. My efforts were performative at best. From my vantage point, he made it look easy, and I thought if he could do it, so could I and then some. His larger than life personality inspired and ignored the reality of how my behavior, as his, often did more harm than good. That particular form of blindness is intoxicating.
Hunter’s persona ultimately consumed him through the disease of alcoholism. His great American writing voice gurgled, sputtered, and stuttered into nothing more than a mumble of his past self. His later work was sporadic and middling at best. He was burned out. After a series of chronic, and increasing, health issues related to a lifetime of drug and alcohol abuse, Hunter took his own life at 67. It was the way he wanted to go, so there’s that.
Juan is unflinching in his simple telling of his father’s alcoholism and drug addiction. It isn’t romanticized or downplayed, it simply was a part of his father’s life. By sticking to a just the facts telling of his father’s dangerous excesses, Juan is responding to his father’s grandiose version of the same issue. Where Hunter was explosive, Juan is a serene, loving noise cancelling storyteller. What remains is the love between a father and son, and a deep appreciation and acknowledgment of Hunter’s contribution to the world. Suffice to say, it’s complicated.
I’m glad I heard it from Juan himself. There can be tenderness amid the explosions. This story is worth a read or listen.
Exit Interview: Retiring Director of the Cowie Museum of Art & Culture /
Here is the exit interview I gave to the retiring director for the Cowie Museum of Art and Culture that exists in my mind. He’s been very helpful, but he’s an uptight and worries too much about what people think.
Read MoreAugust Magnolia /
I have a small magnolia tree growing in my backyard. I can see it from my desk, and have often said “Gosh, that would be nice to photograph,” but never did because, well, laziness, I suppose. One sunny day last week, after being sick of just looking at it, I took action. I set up a white seamless behind it, brought out my medium and large format cameras, and made a few shots. I’m glad I did. I like the high key element that really separates the living plant from its environment. Nature is a lot more graphic than we give it credit.
Most of my personal artwork is made using film. Not only to I find the end result more pleasing, I like the slower process. These images were made using a Hasselblad medium format camera and a Linhof 4x5 field camera. Film was Ilford Pan-F and FP4 developed in Pyro. Edited images will be for sale at Jessica Hagen Contemporary Art
July is for Processing! /
It’s July, and I finally remembered I’m not worthless, and my creative puttering has been productive. Work was getting done, but not with any sense of “what it all means”. I didn’t have the time for reflection. I was helping my parents move out of their house and downsize, involving several cross country drives and flights. It didn’t allow for large chunks of time to just create. Upon reflection, large chunks of unstructured time is overrated. I work better in between moments.
I’m processing the work made over the past three years, and it’s pretty good. I’m grateful I can make art in the first place. Not all of it is photo related, and the inner-critic tells me “if it isn’t photo related, it doesn’t count.” (See above)
I don’t know where that condition for existing comes from, but it sucks the fun out of everything, including photography. My pictures are no good because I’m doing this other stuff, which I actually enjoy, but feel guilty for enjoying it, because I’m not taking pictures. Inner-critics like to set up systems where you can’t win for trying.
Instead of not taking pictures, I stopped taking pictures the way I used to. It wasn’t until about LAST WEEK I noticed a large volume of work to edit and process. I’d been busy making, not sorting or editing.
The reality of any art practice is a lot of time is spent gathering materials, sketching, and doing what seems like goofing off. It’s not.
Sidebar to all the people without a project in mind, keep plugging away. Something will come out of all that stuff you’re doing.
My camera has another way of seeing things, which makes it fun. Relying on chance and uncertainty means that by the time it comes to develop, I have no idea where anything was taken. I am photographing unknown spaces.
It sure feels like that’s been my life for the past few years, making images on the fly. Honestly, time and movement have been a major part of my creative curiosity all along.
The idea that a portfolio must have a clear, consistent look or theme for it to convey a message is not always accurate. I use the boundaries of time to organize my images. Most of my creative intention is “That looks pretty cool.”
My creative practice is like walking along the beach, filling my pockets with beautiful stones, and showing you what I’ve found.
Passing Through: Photos of the Journey /
First big thing I did in the new year was drive from Carefree, Arizona to my home in Rhode Island. These are some of the images from that journey. I used a Sony a6000 set on automatic. Most of these photos were made while driving, with minimal composition. While I love photography, I’m a bigger fan of not dying in a car accident.
I like the shortcomings cameras have. It supports the idea I have of just passing through, disconnected. While driving, I am someplace and nowhere at the same time. I feel that way more often than I care to admit.
Art for An Anxious World is the Name of the Game /
Like most engaged citizens, I’ve been spending a lot of time and energy following the national elections. I wish I was less anxious about it. While it seems that the national fever for performative, rage politics has started to break, I don’t like the aftertaste. We are a nation unreconciled in many ways. That eats me when I let it.
Yes, I voted in my local election. I did what I could, but that feels like it isn’t enough. A lot of political platforms are based on that premise: you’re not enough. The world is rigged against me. It’s hard to constantly push back against that without submitting to its ultimate premise: I don’t matter.
Elections come and go, but light remains.
Making art in an anxious world is just part of the deal. It has ever been thus. Cave paintings were about recording survival in an uncertain, cruel world. The peace I crave is the peace I make, because it can’t come from a place of fear. It is, by design, an uphill battle. I don’t think any artist gets to see the completion of their work, their ideas are just picked up the next line. Big ideas take more than a single lifetime to articulate.
I want to feel comfortable now! Oh well. There is comfort in knowing whatever contribution I make is going to help the ones just entering the world. This is the idea of the eternal. My work and practice is to help the next generation plot the map a little better. Landscapes change, but light remains. That counts.
32 after 32 /
Today marks 32 years of sober living. I am grateful. If you think not drinking has stopped me from being a jerk now and then, think again. However, as time has passed, I’m less of one and for shorter periods of time. That counts for something. Here are 32 things I have learned in my 32 years of sobriety. None of this is original.
Three Magic Words: "Yeah, me too."
24 hours of physical sobriety at a time.
Thinking about drinking is a normal part of the recovery process.
Picking up the phone and telling on yourself helps two people.
Be kind to yourself, but get to work on the things that are troubling you.
Practice telling the truth with someone.
It doesn't matter who is wrong or right, what matters is who's left.
Everyone needs a place where they feel safe.
Try to contribute without having to win.
"We resigned from the debating society."
Lack of enthusiasm for recovery from the disease of alcoholism/addiction is a primary symptom of the disease of alcoholism/addiction.
Three other magic words: “I was wrong.”
“When all else fails, lower your expectations.”
Three other magic words : “I need help.”
Praying for acceptance of outcomes works better than praying for outcomes.
“(Insert Your Name Here), the rules apply to you too.”
Ask yourself “What are my motives?”
"Hi, I'm _____ I'm an alcoholic. I'm also addicted to chaos, drama, and intrigue."
"God blesses effort."
Physical and mental health are your first million.
There is a difference between being "friends" and being "friendly". Having safe and healthy boundaries is a gift of sobriety.
Develop a sense of humor about yourself.
Treat gratitude like a verb.
"Absence of problems" is not a promise of sobriety.
You never know who might be saving your life on any given day, so be mindful.
Three other magic words: “Please forgive me.”
You waste more time not taking a nap when you need a nap.
Try to be present for small miracles.
Put a sign on your bathroom mirror that reads “You’re looking at the problem.”
Most people know what their problems are, the frustration is believing nothing can be done about them.
Change occurs when we stop fighting change.
Have a great day, unless you have other plans.
"What is it that I do-do?" /
Panorama made in Tonto National Forest, Arizona
I feel better when I’m making pictures. Yes, I have unrealistic expectations about what anyone should think about these pictures, and I’m insecure about showing them to people. I want to feel special. This is childish and not a great way to move the creative ball forward.
I diminish and dismiss well made work as a preemptive strike designed to defang anyone else’s attack. This leads to spiraling self-doubt sessions which wind up in front of the television, watching someone else’s creative work.
The solution: simple daily inoculation against that lizard-brained self-doubt. I’m not changing the world with my work yet. That’s not why I do it. I make art to settle my nerves, to change my relationship to to the world. Sharing work is an extra bonus. I like to see the world photographed. People like to see a photographed world.
My process is changing. I used to be too precious about how my work should be seen and experienced. Only the finest execution would do. While having high production values is a good thing, I can get carried away. I produce myself right out of a project.
There is always an internal struggle. Part of me wants to just blast out work like 32nd notes at a Slayer concert, and another wants to create a zen garden with only one stone in it. While both require technical mastery, the approach and outcome is slightly different.
So, how to balance those to speeds? Just make the work. Trust that everything finds its own level. Show it around because people might enjoy seeing it, and have a moment outside of their daily grind. That is enough, and anything else is gravy.
Sleeping My Way To Creative Happiness /
If you want to have a solid creative practice, get your sleep. My dad was right about this. He was right about a lot of things I don’t like admitted. The younger me, who didn’t want to miss out on anything, thought sleep was the enemy. Turns out, I was wrong. Sleep is your friend.
Here’s what happens if I don’t get enough sleep:
I’m not focused
I’m a little depressed all the time.
My productivity is severely limited.
I eat too much, which increases brain fog.
I’m irritable in every sense of the word.
I’m tired (duh)
Sleep is one of those things we have to do, but wish we didn’t. My creative practice is severely limited by my lack of sleep. The image of the weary artist, toiling away, fueled only by black coffee and a passion for “the work” has to be dispelled. It didn’t work then and it doesn’t work now.
Mental illness, or neuro-divergency gets romanticized a lot in the art world. Addiction, depression, anxiety bi-polar, ADHD, etc are not these magic bullets to an inner realm of creative thought. These maladies often are the things standing in the way of great work, when left untreated. My struggles with some of these conditions prove this. When I’m not taking care of myself physically and mentally, I’m not productive. Those gifts lay dormant.
I’m not saying a good night’s sleep is a cure-all, but it’s a big part of the solution. During sleep, my brain is cleaning out the cache from a days worth of functioning. I need that space to be clean to be able to focus on the work I want to do. I want to take on big ideas.
When I can’t work, I get anxious. When I get anxious, I can’t sleep. When I can’t sleep, I can’t work. When I can’t work, I get anxious.
Let’s not forget the power of dreaming. When the sleep cycle is interrupted, dreaming gets messed up too. That’s not good for a creative person.
A lot of solid scientific studies support good sleep hygiene. All I need to know is when I’m well rested, I feel like working and when I’m tired, I peck away at things. Being tired is not a badge of honor and being well rested is not a sign of laziness or lack of work.
I never used to take naps or “meditate”, but now I do. During the day, I set the timer for 30 minutes, put on a weighted blanket, listen to some space music on noise cancelling headphones, and wake up refreshed. Making time for doing nothing is a great way to get something done. Life is full of contradictions. To be more active, rest.
My friend Qarie told me a story about two lumberjacks in a contest to chop down a tree. The first lumberjack just whacked away at the trunk while the other would chop for a little bit, walk away, and come back to the task. Both lumberjacks finished at the same time. The first one asked what the other one was doing when they walked away. “While you were chopping away, I went to sharpen my axe.”
A Quick One About A.D.D. and Photography /
If you have a little A.D.D., release yourself from the need to constantly organize images in concise portfolios. That’s why there are curators in the world. My mother, God bless her, is always so anxious about organizing her photo library, and it takes up too much energy. She’s a very creative person but gets caught up in the back end, so the production grinds to a standstill.
Portfolio reviews or assembling portfolios always feels a little crazy to me. I’m not against organizing ideas, but sometimes, there is beauty in the freedom. It doesn’t need to make perfect sense for me in order for it to work.
I’m preparing a show this winter at the Wolfe Gallery located at Maumee Valley Country Day School, in Toledo, Ohio. There will be some framed images shown, but most of the work will have a definite workshop energy to it. I’m printing a lot of pictures and applying them to foam core. This isn’t lazy on my part, it is about allowing the viewer to make some connection and curate their own show. What can I say, I love a parade!
Bringing a little play into the world harms no one. I can show work I like and surround it with just the joy of creation. The sense that my process isn’t valid because it lacks perfect clarity is not a helpful thought. Looking around at the world I live in, this comes as no surprise. There is a carnival of inspiration.
So, if you feel like you’re not valid because you haven’t been able to make a perfect portfolio for all to easily understand, take heart in the restless process of seeing in real time. You’ll be okay. Heck, you are okay. Proceed.
Using the DLSR to Digitize Analog Images /
This year, I brought home over 3,000 color slides, representing my parents archive, so could digitize them. I have an Epson 750 flatbed scanner, which produces good results in the past, but is slow. As much as I love my parents, I didn’t want this project to take the rest of my life.
I saw some people using their DLSR cameras to scan their film. After a little research, and a few YouTube views, I discovered Negative Supply, based in California. This was the solution I needed.
Negative Supply specializes in equipment to copy analog images with a DLSR. I was impressed with the build of their equipment and the ability to copy up to 8x10 negatives, which I have. Using their equipment has made this project affordable without compromising quality. The light box, which is at the center of their product offering, is a bright, even, color balanced LED workhorse. I’m very happy with the results. If using film is part of your creative process, this is an integral investment in your postproduction workflow.
I love the way my film cameras “see” the world, but I want to play with them digitally.
A good solution didn’t exist, but the need to digitize my parents slide collection has led me to a whole new way of working. I wouldn’t have considered if it was only for me.
Investing in my work and ideas is still a struggle. Call it low self-esteem, lack of faith, whatever. The result is I get frustrated, putter around, and accomplish nothing, which leads to more low self-esteem. Ah, existence!
My mother, brother, sister, and I.
Berwick, PA
The importance of film as an archival tool has been become very clear. Kodachrome was an amazing film. I was digitizing 75 year old images that hadn’t shifted in color. Using film makes sense. There will always be a way to digitize a physical thing. In fact, the digital workflow is only going to improve.
Now, I can go back into my own film archive and produce images from negatives I couldn’t afford to scan. The affliction of large format photography means big scans, for big files, for big money. It is hard to work freely or experiment when each scan is at least $50 Now I can make a camera RAW file with my DLSR and create without compromise.
I’m not an early adopter of anything, mainly because the early technology offers more convenience at the expense of quality. What I like about this workflow is it harkens back to older methods: using a copy camera for negatives, but raises the quality in the digital realm. This setup will be with me for the long haul.
On Procrastination: a users guide /
It is scary to do things that really matter. Most people procrastinate without even knowing it. We’re so programmed to be busy, it’s easy to lose sight of “the big picture”. Throw in a little A.D.D., social media, and be self employed, it’s even worse.
Procrastination is hard to overcome, because it looks like being busy. Procrastination rarely looks like sitting in a chair, doing nothing. It’s organizing the desk, running errands, trying a new recipe, or the thousand forms of “getting ready to get ready” as my grandfather would say.
I have mastered the skill of doing everything but the task at hand, I don’t even know I’m doing it anymore. A lot of my behavior was on full display back in middle school or earlier. This isn’t new, it’s old stuff. So, how do I train myself to procrastinate less?
I need to think about causes and conditions. Why do I procrastinate? I have a few guesses.
I’m afraid of looking bad or “stupid”.
I’m afraid of success
Success means taking responsibility. I don’t like that.
Not doing something that I’m insecure about is a great way to avoid potential pain.
This creates anxiety and depression because I’m very aware that I’m not where I want to be in any project.
I can’t always see the connection between my choices and the results.
Completing something means being accountable for it.
Procrastinating looks like:
Reworking non-essential elements.
Asking for feedback and waiting for a response.
Adjusting the project based on the feedback.
Making the parts I like to do amazing.
Looking for and starting another project that’s “more important”.
This list is not conclusive. At the center of it all is a self-centered, self-created fear that somehow whatever “it” is won’t be good enough, or the right thing. Failure will have me cast out of society, living like a wild animal.
What is helping me change the procrastinating habit?
Instead of just diving in and doing stuff, I flank the habit with new habits.
Addressing the underlying anxiety or fear that drives the behavior.
I give myself some time every morning to just free write, and put down the things that are bugging me.
Eventually, the problems that drive the avoidance response present themselves in a manageable size.
What happens is the anxiety of NOT doing something gets greater than the act I’m avoiding
I’ll never be free of this habit, but it doesn’t have to drive the bus.
Remembering the following thoughts helps
Procrastination is not a moral failing.
Fear of success sometimes is greater than fear of failure.
Becoming curious about what happens next helps.
The frustration of things staying the same gets old after a while.
Allowing new habits to replace old ones takes time and a little compassion for yourself.
The world can be a scary place and our default is to play defense.
Guilt and shame are not sustainable motivators for positive change.
“Anything worth doing is worth doing poorly.”
“When all else fails, lower your standards.”
Just do something to move the ball forward a little bit. Win a skirmish, not the war.
I hope this helps. Writing it down and sharing it makes it less of a burden for me. Thanks for reading.
Filter Festival After Action Report /
I attended the Filter Festival in Chicago last week. The reviewers I met were people I already knew, except for one. I like to think I made a new friend. I brought a varied collection of work that has just been sitting around, doing nothing. I like all of it. My goal was not to get feedback on the work, but to ask where I fit in; to get clarity about “the bigger picture”.
The photo world has changed, and I want to know where I belong. I’m insecure and will eject myself from a conversation before it begins. Then, I get frustrated when no one includes me. Yes, I am the architect of my own problems. Can you relate?
Leading up to the review, and I mean 30 seconds before my first meeting, just about every negative thought was running through my head. I was afraid. Once it all started, it got better. Here is the quick rundown of what I got from each reviewer in the order that I met them:
Jonathan Blaustein:
Jonathan called me out. He wondered why I was even at the festival, a valid question, since I wasn’t showing finished work. He put his finger on the issues: fear and procrastination. I can do the work up to a certain point, but stop. He said it is tough to take a stand, to bet on yourself, but that’s where the important work is. That was the uncomfortable advice I needed to hear. The missing link to my peace of mind is in the work I’m afraid to do.
Frances Jakubek:
We reconnected over work and talked about the frustrations in the art world. It was nice to know wasn’t alone. Making personal art is to make oneself vulnerable. I’m spring loaded to hide away the stuff that really matters to me, and she reminded me how important it is to bring that to the table. It’s okay to be afraid, but do the work anyway.
Are you beginning to see a pattern here? Keep reading
Karen Haas:
When I asked where I fit in, she pointed out that not a lot of people are making work like I do. Keep doing what I’m doing, don’t worry about the outside world. They’ll catch up, or slow down, and notice soon enough. I do fit in right where I am. My work and ideas are enough. It’s normal to be insecure, but keep moving.
Helen Trompeteler
Helen was the one I didn’t know and WAS CERTAIN wouldn’t connect with. I was wrong. We had a great conversation about photography, a shared love. She reminded me that I am a teacher at heart, which is a gift. I asked her about the work she does and how she looks at work. The only goal I had with this meeting was to start a relationship. It was the perfect way to end the reviews.
So, portfolio reviews can be more than just looking at pictures and trying to get a show. Even though I was scared, I was willing to hear what was said, and it was exactly what I needed. This can be a lonely business, if I’m not careful.
A final thought: I always think there is a finite amount of space in any given field. There is only so much attention or love. This is a great way to not get anything done, because I’m saving the good stuff for later. There is no such thing as scarcity in creative pursuits or human relationships. There is alway enough space for ideas and connection. The table WANTS to grow. We can contribute without needing to win all the time.
"Down with Dope, up with Hope!" /
I woke up this morning with the thought I have fallen out of love with photography. When we first met, photography was a magic bus that transported me to other places and dimensions. Photography told me stories of how the world can be and how it is at the same time. It was beautiful, intimate, and inviting.
Read MoreDoing Nothing Is Something /
It’s Memorial Day, and I’m doing nothing. It is a beautiful day outside, first day of Summer, and I’m inside. I’m not interested in going to a parade, sitting at the beach, or working in the garden. I don’t want to go shopping, I don’t want to fix anything today. I’m sitting doing nothing, except writing about doing nothing.
I’ll probably go down to the basement, where it is cool and dark like a cheese cave, and putter.
This is not wasting time. I do have things to consider.
I need to start thinking about what to do about Filter Photo in September. I signed up again and it should be fun. I have low expectations for it, but it will be fun to make some work to show.
I’m also figuring out what to say to some clients and also planning a landscape project in Newport. There are a lot of things kicking around the head and none of them have resolution.
Today, I’m not feeling the need to resolve anything. By not insisting on productivity, I might get some clarity. The anxiety that pops up saying I should be “doing something” isn’t always correct. It’s taken me a while to recognize that.
Have a great day.
Talk Shit and Get Fresh Air /
Never underestimate the power of walking with a friend for the sole purpose of talking shit and tackling the worlds problems. We need more of that. My friend Jordan (his real name) and I take a weekly walk and hash out issues of the day, and I love it. Simple conversation: where one person talks, the other person listens, and then speaks to the first person is how we’re going to get out of this mess of existence.
As much as I love social media for its ability to connect people and grow community, it isn’t a substitute for real life shit talking on foot.
Jordan and I both agree life is complex, and most people just want to be happy. We don’t have to agree on all subjects, but having a good faith conversation is refreshing. There is no “dunking” on one another. We walk, talk, and laugh a little. There are no losers in this dynamic.
Humans are status driven by nature. It makes sense that all social media platforms morph into engineered status games. If you know how to play, you get more status. There is a place for it, but it is no substitute for the in-person chat session.
I took a road trip to Arizona with my friend Qarie. That was four days of driving, with plenty of silences, but lots of just talking about anything that came to mind. We both loved it, even when we disagreed.
Social platforms are the public square, and that isn’t an intimate space; even when we engage in them while sitting on the can. It’s important to remember that we need both (public and intimate) in order to thrive. Probably more of the later than former, but that’s just my opinion.
So, call your friend and take a walk for the sheer joy of connecting over nothing in particular.
Rhythm & Roots 2019 /
It seems like 2020 erased a lot of great memories of being together. As things open up more, and this year’s music festival is back on, I’m happy to revisit and share these images from the 2019 festival.
